It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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