I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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