dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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