he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
