Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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