I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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