He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
