You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
