I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
false alarm. still invincible.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
