My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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