how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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