I love black thongs
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I want to be your penis for a week.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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