I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
