just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
