I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
