Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize