So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
