I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
