You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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