Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
