you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
