I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
