if you like me you must not know who I am
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
