i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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