My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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