Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
