There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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