my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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