my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
