her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
