if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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