I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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