The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
