If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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