Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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