We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
