Plan B is the new Plan A
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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