we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
