i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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