Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
