i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
