My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
