I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
