Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
