i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
