Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize