Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
