just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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