You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
