you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
