dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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