I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
