mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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