I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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