Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
