For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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