I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
