sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He passed out mid-signature
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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