I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize