No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
