I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
