Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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