just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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