The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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