My cat gives me a boner
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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