i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You left your phone here
Wait...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
