i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
