I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
