Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
is it fun? or sober?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
